I struggled with deciding where and how to start this blog. Do I go back two years to when we first started trying to conceive? Recount our two miscarriages? Profile our first visit to the reproductive endocrinologist? There are so many significant steps along this journey and I want to share it all – both to provide information and support to those going through it with me, but also to document it for myself. This has been a constellation of events that has changed the course of my life. But I realized that I am a wordy, over-explainer (John asks – you are just realizing this??) So, better to start in real time – where we’re at now.
We are currently starting our first cycle of IVF (in vitro fertilization). Basically, it’s a process by which the doctor controls all your hormones with injectable medications, makes your ovaries grow a lot of follicles, goes in and surgically removes a bunch of eggs, puts them together with your husband’s sperm in a little petri dish and makes some embryos. Then a couple of the embryos get transferred back into your uterus (the rest are frozen) and then you wait…and wait…and wait. For 12 LONG days until you find out whether or not you’re pregnant. Easy, right?
Not so much, I’ve been warned. While so far I’ve only been getting a measly one shot per day (administered with a lot of love and just a bit of sadism by John), and suffered a few hormonal meltdowns – most directed towards my husband (hence the sadism), I’ve been told it gets much worse. But I am physically and emotionally ready for whatever comes my way. I welcome the shots, the side effects, the emotional pain – it’s my badge of honor. It’s my way of telling the universe how very truly I wish to be a mother.
I realized the other day that I have reached the top rung of the ladder. There is nothing left to reach for, if this doesn’t work. For each step of our fertility journey, there has always been a “next step.” As in, if we don’t get pregnant doing this, we can always do that next. Now I am standing at the top looking out over all the possibilities. All the things we’ve tried up to this point. I didn’t think about how it might feel to be here. Powerful and very, very hopeful. But also scary. What will I do if this fails?