First, an update. We had our first ultrasound last week and saw one tiny, perfect, fluttering heartbeat. Words cannot express the relief, the disbelief, and the joy.
For my next trick, I’m going to share some deep, dark secrets that I would otherwise wish to keep to myself. But because the whole purpose of this blog is to be transparent about the process of trying to conceive and surviving obstacles on the way, I feel it is my obligation to be real with you about everything that happens, good and bad.
Here they are: I’m not 100% excited to be pregnant. I am very insecure. And I am terrified that I’m going to let everyone down. Let me explain….
Thinking about the little miracle growing inside me and those moments when I feel and really believe that I am pregnant, I am 100% happy. It’s all I’ve wanted for most of my life, and all I’ve strived for in the last 2 years. But as much as I wish I could be, I’m not just happy and excited. I’m very anxious. I’m very uncertain. Every time someone congratulates me, I find myself saying things like “it’s still very early” and “we’re very hopeful.” Why do I do that? Who am I trying to protect?
I also thought that I would embrace the life of a pregnant woman and never look back, once I finally got here. But I find myself on the phone to my sister daily, asking is it okay if I ate a grilled cheese sandwich followed by 3 slices of bread with butter? Am I a deadbeat wife because I haven’t had the energy to grocery shop let alone cook for 2 weeks now? Am I going to be a terrible mother because I cannot force myself to eat a salad today? What I’m really asking is, am I screwing this up? Will I look back and hate myself for not doing better for my little one while I had the chance?
And I’m afraid. This might be the silliest one. I’m afraid of letting you down. All you wonderful friends and family who have been pulling for me and praying for me and are now celebrating with me. I’m afraid to lose this baby and disappoint you all. I feel a little freaked out by all the people who are acting as if I’m going to have a baby. My sister bought me two car seats already. My sister-in-law gave me all her books and maternity clothes. I think to myself, “They really believe that I’m pregnant. What’s more, they don’t seem to have any doubt that I’ll end up with a baby in 9 months.” Are they crazy, or am I? (The answer is, obviously, I am.)
I think the solution is time. And some good self-reflection. I am a work in progress, you know. Whether it’s my past trauma or history of self-doubt, I am working to heal from it, gain confidence, and grow into the woman, wife and mother I want to be. I know I’ll get there — one clumsy, imperfect step at a time. Be patient with me, and please keep cheering me on.